52: bruised

It all began when I bruised my rib when falling square on my back while crowdsurfing at Anberlin's Baybeats set. I hadn't been eating or sleeping for some time before that, so my immune system was weakened substantially. The bruised rib led to a lung infection and moderate pneumonia, which struck right in the middle of my A Level Prelims. I missed my Economics Case Study paper, which demoralized me because I was going to get a zero for something which I considered to be one of my strong points.

When recovering, I ran after a bus at some point and tripped over a rope I hadn't seen. I badly lacerated my chin and sprained my knee, and in the midst of the fiasco I lost the part of my handphone which connects to my headphones, cutting me off from the music that often kept in high spirits.

Having lost sense of time because I practically bedridden, I didn't realise the date of my History Paper 2 was nearing until the morning of the paper. While it is arguably my strongest subject, I wasn't able to prepare for it as much as I would have liked, and didn't write as well as I had hoped. This would get much worse when I missed my History Paper 1 entirely out of sheer negligence.

My mathematics skills are terribly infantile and undeveloped for this stage, not because I lack the ability but because I have been avoiding the topic since Secondary 2. I sat through 3 agonizing hours of twiddling my thumbs during my Mathematics Paper 1 and resolved to catch up on 5-6 years of inactivity in 50 days to prepare for my A levels. I skipped my Paper 2 simply because I didn't want to sit through it after messing up my Prelims so badly.

I got penalized during my Literature paper (which I underperformed in because of poor time management skills- a problem which also plagued my Economics Paper 2) for having a goatee. I hadn't shaved because I was afraid I'd open up the lacerations on my chin, which bled continuously for about 3 days after the initial fall. I didn't contest this, perhaps because I was simply too tired to care anymore. I had also forgotten to write my question number for my GP paper 1, which will cost me 2-5 marks and possibly the A which I am expecting.

It should be clear by now that I am physically weakened, mentally and emotionally quite drained. I have made inexcusable mistakes that are both juvenile and amateur. I am going to recieve horrible grades for my Prelims, having lost out on major components of every single one of my H2 subjects. I'm anticipating a UUUBC, with B for GP and C for Literature. That's so sad, it's actually quite funny.

I have decided that I am done grieving and feeling sorry for myself, and I am going to fight now, to the bittersweet end.